Advertisement FAIL

(Click for a bigger version)

This came in my mailbox a few days ago. Holy shit on a stick, ya'll. I think this speaks for itself...or does it? Engrish FAIL.

Oink.

I was in the grocery store yesterday looking for some ground beef for tacos when I came upon a lady deep in the midst of a very serious conversation with the butcher behind the counter. She was not effing around.

"Sir, I suggest you check all of the pork products you stock here for this new pig flu. I think that you have a responsibility to sell pork that is safe and disease-free. PLEASE go to the CDC's website and check out their warnings and make sure that you're buying pork from safe sources."

The butcher stared at her like she had lobsters coming out of her nose. I, too, rolled my eyes. When it was clear that she was not going to get an adequate response from the butcher, she offered the CDC's URL.

"You really should check the CDC website. It's www.cdc.org."

Lately, I've been working on not sticking my nose into things that do not involve me, so I did not share with the crazy lady that the swine flu is not a food-borne illness. But her tone with the butcher was so all-knowing, so holier-than-thou that before I knew what my mouth was doing, I found myself correcting her on the CDC's URL.

"Ummm, excuse me. It's actually www.CDC.gov."

She turned a questioning eye to me.

"Really? Figures." (whatever that means!)

As I picked up my package of 93/7 ground beef and walked away, I heard the lady continuing to bark at the butcher, this time with the correct URL, but still with the incorrect information. I sighed and continued on to the tortillas.

In case anyone wanted to know, here are the top five viruses that would truly scare me if an outbreak were to occur on US soil:

1. Ebola
2. Marburg
3. Hantavirus
4. Lassa fever
5. Yellow fever or Dengue fever

Notice swine flu isn't on that list? Yeah. Anything short of the above five, I'm not terribly worried. People...don't let the media hysteria get to you. Chiiiiiiiiillll....

Boy meets elephant

That's the actual title of this darling commercial for Oreo Fun Stix. I prefer to call it "the commercial that cracks me up for no good reason every time its on TV":

I think I like it so much because the elephant's name is Brandon...like he's a member of the family, but not like a pet. Like an actual member that has his own room in the house and attends the 4th grade. Too cute.

Plus, how good do those Fun Stix look? Do they have the famous Oreo creme in the middle? Cuz I'd eat that shit...

Hear that, Sharks fans?

That, ladies and gents, is the sound of the fat lady singing. That's also the sound of the best season the Sharks have had to date coming to a screeching halt. The Sharks are out of the playoffs. They lost in six games (one more than my prediction). They simply gave up! I honestly feel a little like crying, but when I voiced this to DJC, he pointed out that no one on the Sharks bench displayed any sort of emotion during the course of this series, so why should I? Excellent point.

If I were Doug Wilson, who is the general manager of the Sharks, I'd unload the whole goddamn team during off-season trades. The Sharks have made some huge trades in the past couple years to acquire big time talent (from top to bottom..players and coaches) in order to create a team that is capable of winning it all. The only constants in terms of roster space are Captain Patrick Marleau, Jonathan Cheechoo, who has not been the same player since he took a crushing elbow to the head the year after he won the Rocket Richard trophy, and the bane of my hockey existence, goalie Evgeni Nabokov. Some people argue that Joe Thornton should be shipped out as well, but I don't agree with that. I say can Marleau, whose energy and leadership skills are similar to those of a sweet little field mouse, and make Thornton the captain. Let him step up. I think Joe has what it takes.

Now, here's where I'm really gonna start to rant. I've NEVER been an Evgeni Na-choke-ov fan. I think he is possibly the most inconsistent player in the entire NHL. I've never been on board with anything he's done. He has the ever-important job of STOPPING THE PUCK when the defense fails to clear the zone, but judging by the way he plays, its like his role on the team was lost in translation. I would have traded him three years ago if I ruled the world. But, and this is a BIG "but", Nabokov will be staying where he is, playing mediocre, pee-wee caliber hockey for years to come. Why, you ask? His GENIUS agent wrote an iron-clad no-trade clause into his contract which basically gives him carte blanche to TOTALLY SUCK night after agonizing night, without worrying about whether or not his job is in jeopardy...and Doug Wilson AGREED to it!!! Nabokov should give his agent a huge bonus, because if that clause were not in place, I bet Nabokov would find his ass out on the street faster than he could say "5 hole". If I were Doug Wilson, I'd have my best team of lawyers going over that contract looking for a loophole and a way out. Mark my words: The Sharks will never win it all, or even make it past the second round, while Nabokov is in the net...or even on the roster. Fuckin' A.

Ok, I'm done. Fuck hockey. Fuck cheering for a team. I'm done....until next season. Word.

Ouch

It's been hot lately. Like Africa hot. Unseasonably hot. So hot that sleeping becomes difficult. Add a 6'1" human heat source in DJC to the mix and sleeping is damn near impossible. For three nights, he and I tossed and turned and cursed the weather.

But last night...last night was different. Despite the amazingly cool temperatures and delicious breezes coming through the windows, I hardly slept at all. Why, you ask?

Have you ever been so sore that it physically hurts to just lay in bed? Yeah, that's where I was at last night. I dreamed about doing more squats and lunges. I even dreamed that I traded my legs for blocks of lead. Actually, that's not too far from the truth. Ouch. Just.Ouch. Thanks, Amelia! =P

Mmmm hmmm...told you so

Last night, the Sharks managed to win game 3 to push the best-of-seven series against the Anaheim Ducks to at least 5. Just as I said. They'd win at least one...just to make things interesting.

In other news, last night's game marked the return of my favorite inappropriate crush, Torrey Mitchell. Early in the pre-season, he suffered a very serious tibia/fibula (boot top) fracture that required surgery and lots of hardware to repair. Original estimates had the Sharks' center returning to regular season play roughly two months after surgery. When I heard this, I laughed. I've seen athletes with tib/fib fractures who, regardless of a successful surgical outcome, cannot return to their sport at all. A similar fracture, remember, ended Joe Theismann's career (If you've got a strong stomach, Google that shit. It's unreal). One can only imagine the immense stresses the lower leg experiences in a game like hockey, and to throw out a time frame of two months seemed a bit arbitrary to me. I turned to DJC , shook my head and said, "He won't be back before the playoffs. Trust me on this one." Seeing as that I really like watching the kid play, I was bummed. I think all Sharks fans were.

Aaaaand, I was right. Although Mitchell was skating and playing in AHL games several months ago, he had a few setbacks with the injury and extra rehab time was needed. Last night, in game three, Mitchell looked a bit tentative, but very eager to contribute. And boy do the Sharks ever need his speed and finesse! What else does this energetic youngster bring to the party? Well, have a look-see at this:

The video quality isn't the greatest, but one can easily see that Mitchell (in white) gets hauled down on a break-away, draws a penalty, gets up, maintains possession of the puck and manages to score a fantastic goal. Amazing. And coincidentally, he did all of this against Anaheim. I think I speak for all Sharks fans when I say that I hope we see more fireworks from #17. He brings something to the team that they seem to be lacking lately: desire, hunger,and drive. He wants it. Hopefully, the rest of the team will feed off of his energy and finish the Ducks off...

...but then again, probably not. I'm still sticking to my 5 game ousting. =(

B/R face time

A while back, I started writing for a site called Bleacher Report just for fun. Bleacher Report is an open-source sports network, meaning anyone could write about whatever they wanted and it would be "published" on the site. The point is to encourage constructive dialog about sports and for writers to improve their writing skills through the advice of B/R's excellent editors (thanks, Jay!)

I wrote mostly about hockey (shocking, I know) but also threw in some random articles from time to time just to keep things interesting. I wrote under the same name that I use here, and as a result, most of my readers thought I was a guy. For a while, though, I got some really good feedback about my writing style and content. I attained "Syndicated Writer" status after penning just 10 articles (B/R has a deal with CBS Sports Online to re-post the best B/R articles). All was well.

But then, around the time of the Olympics, I started to notice that there were people writing VERY opinionated pieces in very rude voices. They knew they were intentionally pissing people off and they didn't care. Flame wars took place in the comments section. Nearly all constructive conversation ceased in favor of comments like, "Dude, your [sic] a fucking retard. You should be shot for...X, Y and Z". I became extremely discouraged and pretty much gave up on writing for Bleacher Report.

It's not Bleacher Report's fault. The same thing happens with every open board or site that's not mediated. People think its cool to say whatever they want to say because they're hiding behind a computer screen. But for those who wrote to improve our skills and were in it for the right reasons like myself, it became something I no longer wanted to be a part of. And I'm exaggerating a little...that kind of behavior didn't happen all the time or on every article. But it still left a bad taste in my mouth and I didn't want to take the chance of one of those people finding one of my articles. I'm kinda sensitive and tend to take things personally...or so I'm told. ;)

Regardless of the fact that I wasn't writing anymore, I kept in touch with a few of the guys that worked for B/R who knew that The Enforcer and myself are one in the same. Recently, they had their first annual Bleacher Report meet-up in San Francisco. I went to meet the people face to face that I had been communicating with online and whose articles I had read. I'm so glad I did. Zander, Max, and Jay were SO friendly. Zander, in particular, seemed to enjoy introducing me to everyone, stating that I wrote "as The Enforcer" (and I admit, it was kinda fun to see the reactions on the faces of my readers to see that The Enforcer is actually a chick that writes about hockey).

I'm not sure if I'll start writing there again, but it was really great to meet up with the people behind the site. I don't visit it as frequently as I used to, so I don't know if the same characters are still up to their old antics, but aside from the bull, Zander and company have a pretty good thing going over at B/R. They continue to grow in readers and contributors and I wish them all the best. They honestly couldn't have been nicer.

I'm calling it now...

The Sharks will be eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs in Round One by the Anaheim Ducks in...wait for it...five games. The Sharks may take one game in the best-of-seven series, but holy shit, they're playing terribly, and if they keep it up Anaheim will have no problem dispatching the Presidents' Trophy winners in five games.

Make no mistake...it pains me to my very core to say this. I wish I had faith. I wish I could believe. But the Sharks are already down one game to Anaheim, and at about the mid-point of game two, the TOP RANKED TEAM IN THE WHOLE NHL looks like a fucking pee-wee team. The Sharks entered the playoffs as the number one seed, while the Ducks were ranked eighth. Right now, it looks like the reverse. Its just saaaaaaaad, ya'll.

After finishing the regular season with the best record in the NHL, nothing less than winning the Cup will suffice. And rightly so. But, I gotta be honest with you all, I just hope the Sharks can make the series respectable...even in defeat.

Back in action...almost.

I'm home after a strange trip to Amish-land. I have PLENTY to tell ya'll about, but I just haven't found the time to upload the necessary pics and gather my thoughts. But the stories are coming, I promise. Some highlights to look forward to:

-The HELLISH red eye flight that we took to get out there. Let me just say, I got not one fucking wink of sleep.

-Taking my cousin to the ER and dealing with possibly the MOST INCOMPETENT "doctor" I have ever come across. I hesitate to even call him a doctor. "No talent ass clown" would have been more appropriate. Now that I think about it, the douchebag that has been taking care of my grandma is less than qualified to call himself a doctor, too. Just. Horrid.

-My sister and I learning the secret family recipe for the beloved Russian holiday nutroll. That's right, bitches. I baked. And I KICKED ASS at it! What now?!

-My little second cousins (all 5 of them) and their very different personalities and how everyone around them bent over backwards to keep them from losing their shit, which can happen at any time, for any reason, without any sort of warning. It was brutal, but REALLY good birth control.

-My sister and I visited the famed Quaker Steak and Lube. Many drinks and appetizers were consumed between the two of us. The final price of our excursion will shock you. Srsly.

-The five minute Brazilian I got today. Ok, so this didn't happen in western, Amish, prude, uber- religious PA, but holy shit on a stick! The whole thing literally took only five minutes from beginning to end. FIVE!!! AMAZING! I didn't even have time to complain about the pain. I figured it was worth mentioning. Thanks, Christina!! Now back to your regularly scheduled Pennsylvania updates...

-A ton of random pics of all sorts of things. I've got lots...and I'm not afraid to post them. Word.

Ok, I'll be back soon with lots of crapola to keep you entertained. Stay tuned...

Vacay

I'll be in rural Pennsylvania for the next few days visiting family. My one remaining, awesome grandma is turning 96 and is still as ornery as ever. And you wonder where I get it...

Anyways, I'm not sure what the internet status will be up there, so posting may be a little light. I'm hoping for a Starbucks with wi-fi, but the last time I was in this particular part of Pennsylvania, I saw an Amish horse-drawn carriage heading into town. The people inside were wearing bonnets. No shit.

In other news, I'm sure that if I wanted to improve my butter-churning skills, I'd have no trouble finding a class or two, so there's that. And alcohol. Lots of alcohol. Sweet, sweet alcohol.

Talk to you all when I get back! Cheers! =)

Bay area radio stations: Do you hate your listeners?

I'm not a huge radio listener, but I do love me a good morning show. Back when I belonged to the world of the employed commuter, there were plenty of excellent choices to satisfy any morning show need. The problem now is that all the bay area radio stations seem to be in the business of taking all the good shit off the air. Stick with me, here:

Exhibit A: The former Sarah and No Name show on 97.3 KLLC FM (Alice Radio). I think Sarah can be SO boring and totally full of herself at times, but man, No Name was an amped-up loon who made mornings fun. Sarah was (and still is) a stick in the mud, but No Name's antics along with producer Matty's random two cents balanced her lameness out. The result: an unpredictable good time with plenty of juvenile laughs. Always. But then, for some mysterious reason, Matty and No Name were fired very unexpectedly. I'm not sure that the official reason was ever released, but I heard that it had something to do with No Name and Matty "not fitting in with the target demographic of 19-25 year old females". The show sucks now. I hardly tune into 97.3 at all anymore in protest of their firing.

Exhibit B: A long time bay area institution, Dave Morey, left 104.5 KFOG FM's morning show back in December of 2008. Granted, his departure was voluntary after close to 30 years with the station. But his voice...his iconic voice...no one can take the place of this San Francisco radio staple. When the silliness of Sarah and No Name got to be a little much (which it frequently did), I looked to Morey and company for level-headed, respectful, adult conversation and opinions on any number of topics. I cried during his last show. I literally grew up in the bay area listening to his show and he is greatly missed.

Exhibit C: After No Name's dismissal from Alice, I struggled to find a replacement show. I tried the Dog House on 94.9 (which is now also gone!). I turned the dial to 106.1 and Chuy Gomez. This one almost worked, but not quite. Only when I tuned in to The Woody Show on Live 105 did I find something worth listening to. Host Woody and his friends Tony and Ravey were irreverant yet intelligent and instantly became my new fave morning show. Along with Greg Gory and the White Menace, Woody and friends were some of the funniest folks I'd ever heard on the radio. Ravey loved hockey and even though she roots for Pittsburgh, I still wanted to have a beer and watch a game with her. The White Menace and I became friends on Facebook. I felt like I'd finally found the perfect balance of music, talk, and shenanigans. All was well.

Then, on April Fool's Day, I heard that Woody, Tony and Ravey were fired, apparently for playing a clip of an unreleased Green Day song. Just as a reminder to the douchebags that made the call here, NO ONE cares about Green Day in 2009. Playing the song didn't create NEARLY the uproar that firing the people who played it did. Along with a TON of their former listeners, I'm up in arms about this. So unfair. Apparently, they are planning an "I quit this bitch" going away party for May 1st. I'm gonna do my best to make it out and show some support for one of the last great radio shows in the bay area.

Now, the commuters of the bay area have very few decent morning choices left. Time to plug in the iPod or tune into your favorite internet radio channel, like I will be doing from here on out. Live 105 had one good thing going for it: The Woody Show. Now that they're gone, I doubt I'll tune in anymore. I can listen to Death Cab for Cutie, old Red Hot Chili Peppers and Sublime on repeat on my own, thanks. Sheesh. WTF?

These are the days of our lives...

Every now and then, something strange happens to me. I eat weird foods that I normally wouldn't eat, I do seemingly unnecessary things and I lose complete control of my emotions. I had one of these unexplainable days on Thursday.

When I woke up, I skipped the CORE class at the gym entirely. I sat on the couch and watched REALLY bad TV until I started to feel really gelatinous...like I might become part of the couch if I sat around any longer. So, I got up, showered and headed to the Starbucks near the junior college where my class was later in the day. I figured I'd hang out there for a while, grab some lunch, read over last week's lecture notes and then head to class.

Well, the first part of my plan went smoothly...until I realized that the simple ham breakfast sandwich (which has gotten substantially smaller...Thanks economy!) and iced green tea lemonade wasn't going to cut it. I was ravenously hungry. I finished reading the notes, then got into my car and drove next door to KFC and ordered two biscuits complete with butter and honey sauce (note: its only 15% real honey. The rest is HFCS and other "sugars". LOL!). I pulled into a parking spot in KFC's lot and inhaled the biscuits. OMG, they were so delicious. Then, I realized that I would need some sort of liquid for class (so that I didn't break into a coughing fit. I'm still trying to get over this damn cold!). I turned around and went back to Starbucks, but this time I opted for the drive-thru. I ordered one bottle of water...and one grande cafe vanilla Frappucino with extra whipped cream. Keep in mind I had just left Starbucks not 10 minutes earlier. What the hell was wrong with me!?

To top it all off, later that night, instead of reading my current book to lull myself to sleep, I picked up my one of my old journals and started reading about the very beginning of my relationship with DJC. I gushed and gushed and gushed all over its pages and my emotions got the better of me. Before I knew it, I was totally crying. DJC laughed at me and then a minute later, I laughed at myself.

Sometimes, my life can be a wild ride and just try my best to roll with it and hang on. In truth, though, Thursday was totally hilarious. Yeah, hilarious...and totally wacked out. Such is my life. LOL!

April Fool's FAIL

For a joke to really work, it has to have an audience. Seeing as that there was all of 10 hits yesterday (and most from me, DJC and Arvay), my attempt at an April Fool's Day prank totally fell flat. Guess its my own fault because this blog now lacks daily updates and people know they don't have to drop by every single day to catch the newest stuff...

Oh well. It was fun concocting a story with Arvay! In terms of positives, there's that...

AMAZING news!

Last night, my gym had their bi-annual Member Appreciation party. I stopped by to help out Amelia with her BodyJam demo, and partake in the festivities. This included plenty of laughs with my gym friends and a healthy glass of wine before the dancing began. I hadn't had much to eat during the day, and needless to say, I really felt the wine. By the time we were ready for the demo, I was feeling gooood...

Amelia busted out with a ton of new choreography that was fun, sassy, and totally funky. I picked up quickly and felt comfortable enough to give it a little of my own flavor. I had a great time. Amelia said that the group looked great and that all the spectators and party-goers were really enjoying the vibe. I was too, but didn't think anything of it after it was over. After all, there was more wine to consume and pasta to eat...

But today, when I walked in to the gym, I was greeted by someone I'd never seen before. She introduced herself and mentioned that she'd been at the party the night before and had seen the demo. Apparently, she'd heard that Amelia's program had some awesome dancers and that she needed some backup dancers for an upcoming video shoot. Not gonna lie...my heart RACED when I heard this. So exciting! I've always wanted to dance in videos for a major pop star (I know that sounds insane, but its true) and here was this lady, presenting me with the chance! WOW!

I can't say too much more about it now, but as I get more news, I'll fill you all in. But, I'm gonna be a dancer in a VIDEO! I'm big time now, bitches!! This might be the start of a whole new career for me. I'm thrilled. WOOT!