Friday, November 27, 2009

Black Friday fun

Remember as a kid the cool thing to do to taunt your friends (or enemies) was to creep up quietly behind them and hit them in the back of the knee so that their knee buckled, causing him or her to stumble and/or fall? Remember? Good times, huh?

Yeah, in Starbucks, I was almost taken to the ground by this very thing. But was it one of my friends messin' with me? Noooooo. As I nearly fell, I turned around to see a little fuckin' four year-old in pigtails flail wildly into me as part of the display case she had been hanging on broke loose. (awesome parenting, BTW!). Skank.

I'm pretty sure in most situations, its not OK to call a four year-old a skank, but I don't care.

I GLARED at the pigtailed spaz as her mother instructed her to apologize for almost causing me to fall over. Instead, the little girl simply glared right back at me as if to say, "What should I apologize for? YOU were in MY way!".

Well, let me just say that had I fallen, I would have ass-planted right on top of her...and then she really would have had something to be sorry about.


Aaaaah, the joys of Black Friday, or as I like to call it, "My yearly reminder of birth control's extraordinary powers". Thank goodness for online shopping!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The straw that broke the camel's back

Before I get to the story, in this scenario, yes, I AM the camel. Just so we're clear...Mmmmkay?

As most of my faithful readers know (all 5 of you), DJC and I have the most ridiculous neighbors EVAR. They live on all sides of us; below, to the left and to the right. They do some of the most insane things I've ever seen humans do. A while back, I had a conversation with an old friend about some of the recent neighborly antics and he urged me to do a blog post about them. But instead of ranting on and on about how I almost lose my mind on a daily basis (because really, these people get me pretty heated), I chose to just not pay as much attention to the comically lame goings on...until today.

So, since I've already started down the road of ridicule, I may as well give you all the whole picture. Here are some choice events that have taken place over the months...

-The downstairs neighbors have two fat male children. They hoot and holler at all hours of the day and night. No, really...they actually hoot like animals. They also like to slam each other off of the walls while grunting and carrying on. Sometimes, I wake thinking that they've gotten a new pet orangutan. Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like.

-The neighbors to our left don't really have much to do during the days. Every so often the man will get into his car in the driveway, sit there and absolutely fucking REV his engine for all its worth for three to five minutes. In case you didn't catch that, he sits there with the car in park and puts his foot on the accelerator, guns the shit out of it, and doesn't let it up for three to five minutes. After he's satisfied, he gets out of the car and goes back into his house. I've also observed this guy lift the hood of the car and then point his leaf blower cranked to full power at the car's motor for the same period of time. Not sure why. Straight up bizarre.

-Recently, the city decided it was going to cut large chunks in the street in front of our houses, make a bunch of noise, create some of the most interesting detours ever, kick up a lot of dust, and then fix those large chunks a few days later. Not exactly sure what the purpose of all the construction was other than to completely inconvenience everyone on the street. One morning at approximately 8am, the city decided to start re-paving. Immediately after they began their work, a neighbor's car alarm went off. I heard the tell-tall "beep beep" of someone turning the alarm off, and then the "beep" of re-setting the alarm. Not two minutes later, the alarm went off again. By this point, I was looking out the window in the general direction of the commotion. I watched the neighbor walk outside and re-set the alarm. Not two minutes later IT WENT OFF AGAIN. She walked outside and re-set it a third time. You get the picture...wash, rinse, repeat. It went on like this for a total of 5 times before she gave up and just left the alarm off. My god.

-The neighbors to our right sometimes have loud dinner 3am...with every light in the house turned on. But those are pretty rare. Plus, they have a cute dog that looks up at me when I blow kisses at him, so we'll let them slide.

But none of these things were so offensive that I had to write about them. Annoying, yes. Puzzling, certainly. But whatever. What pushed me over the edge into complain-land was today's incident. Read on...

-As I was studying for my physiology lab exam this morning, I heard the "beep beep" of the alarm for downstairs neighbor's silver Toyota Highlander (note: when they got this particular car, the bumper was missing a significant amount of paint. No problem, though...that's what spray paint's for!). Despite hearing the man, who we call Big Tobacco because we've never seen him without a cigarette hanging from his lips, walk out onto the back deck, I just figured that they were leaving and paid no more attention. But the beeping continued...on and off, on and off, on and off...for FIFTEEN MINUTES! I looked and sure enough, Big Tobacco was just standing on the deck clicking the alarm remote incessantly. I have no idea why. When I came home later in the day, he was at it again, although not for as long. But seriously, WTF?!

So EMcK and everyone else, there you have it. I have finally had enough. My neighbors are clearly some of the strangest people on the planet. The stories might seem funny to you, but its only because you don't have to live near my weirdo neighbors. Still, reading back over them, I have to laugh. I mean, seriously, who can be that freaking out there?!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Figure skating originality FAIL

Here I am, sitting on my new couch, dressed in fleece, sweats and Uggs, eating a chocolate croissant and ready to catch up on several days' worth of DVRed goodness. So many trashy shows to watch! Whatever will I choose first?!

But alas, I made the mistake of checking to see what else was on TV before diving in. And I found a figure skating competition. Its a little known fact that I am an absolute SUCKER for figure skating. And with the 2010 Winter Olympics right around the corner, there's a ton of figure skating to be had on TV these days. Cool! But as the top female Russian competitor took the ice, I became frustrated. Here's the thing:

There's a world FULL of amazing music out there. Why must every freaking female skater for the last 20+ years use Bizet's "Carmen"?! I mean, seriously. There are only so many ways it can be done, and no one can really do it better than Katerina Witt in the 1988 Olympics:

I think the ice skating code of points should be officially revised to ban "Carmen" from ever being used again in any competition. My god. Since Witt's gold medal performance, anyone and everyone has tried to re-capture her magic. Its just soooooooooooo painfully overused! Hell, Beyonce even starred in an MTV atrocity of pop-culture called "Carmen: A Hip-Hopera". This stratospherically bad display of horseshit also starred Lil' Bow Wow. Based on that fact alone, the graceful, elegant sport of figure skating should shun "Carmen" from competition use forever and ever, amen.

That's all. I'm done ranting now. I just wish skaters didn't play it safe with such an unoriginal, yet beautiful, piece of music. Taking the easy way out never pays off. Pick some different music, for crying out loud.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Excuses, excuses...

There's a ton of things going on right now and I wish I had time to write them all down, but the reality is that I just don't. I feel bad about letting my blog fall by the wayside, but that's just how its gotta be for now. I apologize for the lack of posts and stories. I do have some good ones that I will get to eventually...promise. And if I'm not mistaken, I owe you all two more installments of gorgeous California pictures. One of these days when things calm down a bit...

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Night photography

Take one full moon, add two people who are mesmerized by the light of said moon, one Sony H1 camera on manual mode, an amazing sky full of light, whispy clouds and this is what you get:

If the night could have had a soundtrack playing, this would have been it..."The moon and the stars were the gifts you gave..."

And then, the street with a few cars coming by...

So cool...