Sunday, March 22, 2009

Costco: Oh, how I hate you

DJC and I don't usually shop at Costco for many reasons, but mainly because we just don't know what we'd do with eight pounds of peanuts or three flats of bananas before more than three quarters of them spoil. But toilet paper, trash bags, paper towels, dental floss, deodorant, granola bars, dish washing liquid and a number of other things with an obscenely long shelf life, yeah, we definitely pick up those things bulk. The first two items mentioned above were the reason for our visit. I'm writing about this so that you, dear reader, do not make the same mistake that DJC and I made today.

First things first, do not go to Costco on a Sunday afternoon. For any reason. EVAR. Even if you find yourself poisoned and the ONLY place you can pick up the life saving antidote is within Costco's walls, you should really ask yourself, "Can I live until tomorrow? Because fighting the crowds is just not worth it." I haven't seen this many people wandering aimlessly around since the opening of Ikea in Emeryville, with the only difference being that Ikea doesn't have enormous carts that can be used as a blocking and/or ramming mechanism. Some people had overfilled their carts such that they became very difficult to manuever, leaving very little room for those of us who were cartless to pass by. Children ran amuck and parents made futile efforts to corral their spazzy offspring. It was close to being more than I could handle. Several times, I felt my sanity slipping away...

Secondly, if you are foolish enough to decide to brave ALL OF HUMANITY and go, don't do it hungry. This will only compound your frustrations and you will end up snapping at random people and children as well as the person you came with. Fortunately, if you do find yourself in this predicament you have two solutions:
Option 1. Almost every aisle has some sort of food sample being offered. This can range anywhere from awesome (BBQ ribs) to WTF? (Frozen wild Alaskan salmon being prepared in a toaster oven). These stands can be true life savers...if you can get to where the food is. Most of the time, you will find a LINE of people (and their carts) waiting to graze. I watched one lady move from stand to stand, feeding the three open beaks in her cart. Note: sample food does not qualify as a meal and should not be used in place of one. kthnx.
Option 2. The glorious Costco food court. Yes, I realize that the samples are free and the hot dogs and pizza will set you back a whole $2 to $3, but for sheer volume alone, this is a better choice. A medium soda will cost you all of $.55 with free refills. Can't beat that shit. But as wonderful as the food court is, it is not without its problems. Usually, people pick up food after finishing their shopping and checking out. Because these folks are too lazy to take their eight pounds of peanuts to the car before getting food, they leave all those massively overfilled carts parked right near the seating area. It then becomes a game of shuffle-the-cart to allow people who have finished their food to get out. Getting more than one or two bites in without having to get up and move was a rarity.

DJC and I fought our way through all this and more today...all for 36 rolls of toilet paper. Bloody hell. Never again. For the rest of my time on this planet, I will ONLY go during the weekdays.


Amisk8er said...

haha the Jeremy Roenick post was funny, as well as this one! One of my top favorite blogs Enforcer, thank you!

And now my comment:

I'm assuming you don't get free refills when ordering a small, or else, your retarded :-)

that is all...

LoveBadReality said...

I learned the hard way too about Costco on the weekends. So whatever I cannot fit in the cart while the baby is in it, does not get purchased. It is utter mayhem in there and since the economy sucks, people get f'ing aggressive about the samples. I just want a bag of frozen blueberries and some Pellegrino (ok, and some wine), peeps need to chill. Hubby gets ADD in there, I try to talk about getting something for the house and the next thing I hear is, "Oooh, look, cookies."
And why do people bring all eight family members at once?

The Enforcer said...

Lex, I'm glad you are still reading...and that you're still entertained! =)

Actually, with the soda, there is only one size. I guess it was a bit misleading to say that the soda was medium sized, because the "medium" is all they offer...

LBR: People bring their entire entourage of family members because everyone's gotta eat at the sample stands! Hello! It's like an after-church treat... LOL